she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
