we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
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