So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
