My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
My feet surprised me
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
