if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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