i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
don't judge my taste in strippers
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
