Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Randomize