you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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