This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
