a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
