She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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