Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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