On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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