I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
My breath smells like gin and sadness
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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