I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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