she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
