Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
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