i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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