if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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