Just fell off a train. Bad.
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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