im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
