hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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