I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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