OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
