Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
