the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
