I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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