Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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