When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
