Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
