Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
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