I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
