If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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