we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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