i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I want her autograph on my taint
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
