All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
