Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
