i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
