i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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