the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
