I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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