i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
