Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
