the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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