If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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