i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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