What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
