It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
