I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
