I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
