the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
