Your dad touched me again.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
