It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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