you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
