im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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