Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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