After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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