Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
