i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
