Just fell off a train. Bad.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
