I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
have fun at tinkers! p.s. are there any hot guys who look like they wanna wait until marriage to have sex?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
