Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
